Friday, January 13, 2012

who I am. absorb it.

there are days that the phrases that come out of my mouth are the ones that used to make me cringe and roll my eyes whenever my mom said them.
there are times I know she's the exact reason why I am so particular about organization, how people are treated, & cleaning.
there are times when we both sport our feelings on our sleeves, but can't seem to comprehend why the other one is taking things so personally.

there are instances in which I can be perfectly happy listening to Ray Charles' greatest hits one minute & then jam out to The Rolling Stones the very next just like my dad did.  I appreciate the capacity & influence of music & I know that's something that he often gives me the thumbs up on from up above.
there's not a day that goes by that I don't look in the mirror and notice my big, cabbage patch kid cheeks. and often there are times I wish I could do something about them, but then I wouldn't have the feature that everyone immediately says is undeniable of my dad's.
when I have so much trouble dealing with stress and can't seem to get past my lack of self esteem, that's when I know that I have to be careful because although it was his demise, his addictive personality is running through my veins.

that's who I am.  more often than not I enjoy hearing, "gah, you remind me so much of your dad" or "you are your mother's child, there is no doubt about it!"  I enjoy hearing it because I know them being in this world allowed me to be here....and that when I made my appearance, I was made up of bits & pieces that this tiny baby  had absorbed from both of them...and it's nice knowing no one can ever, ever take that away from me.

the gift of creation is absolutely incredible.  people say so often "they are just like sponges" when a person is a small child, but the truth of it is that the sponge is always there....its just the size of it that continues to grow throughout our lifetime.  we mimic people when we are young, but we mold ourselves as we go through our adult life.  sometimes we absorb admirable qualities and we are useful time & time again to keep things pristine & tidy.  other times we attract the grub & grime that allows us to feel as though we should just be tossed out and we start taking out that feeling on those around us.  before you know it you start smearing your relationships with others with that grime.  no one is perfect.  everyone gets discouraged.  but like my husband tells me time & time again, "don't dwell on it, move on.  you know what you need to do differently now, so do it".  I all too often allow rubbish & remnants I've absorbed from bad situations to stick to me as if they are permanent.  I think if I've screwed up or failed at A, B, & C before then what would ever possess me to try X, Y, or Z much less give A, B, or C another shot.  I'm convinced I can't redeem myself from any mistakes.  it's unfortunate that it has taken 27 years for me to realize there's actually still good qualities caked in under the bad ones, but in the same breath I'm glad my husband has been able to help open my eyes to that.  and to know I'm with someone who can see past my negative tendencies and tell me that he thinks I am a wonderful person is comfort that I cannot even put into words.

but the best way to look at is that you can knock off those remnants & rinse out all that grunge you've allowed yourself to absorb.  show off the things that you've soaked in...those things that people have said time & time again that they've always liked about you.  don't carry around the things that make you dull & dingy.  and just because you have had shabby experiences or acted crummy does NOT mean you are doomed to always being considered that type of person.  make room to absorb life and what it has to offer.